When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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