I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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