Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
