I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
