I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
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I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
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Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.