so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Sext me about skeletons