I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Randomize
