Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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