Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
