you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
