Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
