mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
This house was built for laser tag.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
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