I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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