You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
