Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
