At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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