Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
