Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
