I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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