Your face is a jimmy john
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Did you pee in the oven last night??
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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