If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
My penis needs a shock collar
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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