I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
