Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Pants are for mortals
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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