this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
