If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Randomize
