Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants