My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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