Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
