last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
