I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
