My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
