I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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