70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
