So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Drunk is not a location!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
