so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
