i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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