I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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