Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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