I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
