Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
