I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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