The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
