1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
