My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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