dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
