I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i love accidental penises.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
