I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
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