i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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