I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
