The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
