My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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