So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
