The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
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