i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Randomize
