Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
