I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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